Headline: BYU Student Falls Into a Vat of Toxic Waste!

Wednesday Sept 11, 2007

Early this morning BYU Geology student Patrick Darby was blindsided by a fellow student and thrown into a vat of toxic waste while working in the subterranian tunnels below campus. The disgruntled student, whose name has been withheld by campus police, was furious that Patrick had listed Battlefield Earth as a "Worst Movie Ever" pick on his blog.

Rescue workers worked over two minutes carefully pulling Patrick out of the glowing green ooze. Efforts were hampered by four miniature turtles that had apparently been dumped down a drain and had found their way to the ooze. When BYU officials were asked to respond to the claims that BYU's nuclear program, dubbed "The Bronx Project" by insiders, had for years been storing illegal waste under the campus, the college representative kept repeating the phrase " Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?"

Provo County health officials deny that any mutations have ever occured in the past from falling into vats of toxic waste. Meanwhile, Patrick himself claims that "it's not like I was bit by a radioactive spider or anything." And that he is fine with only a slight headache to remind him of his horrid experience. His only pause came when he thought that maybe, just maybe, he had turned invisible when no one was watching. Only the future can tell what mysterious powers will show themselves after this tragic accident.